Here’s another quickie thanks to the inspired Terrible Mind blog; a flash fiction tale based around a
random sentence generator. Mine was ‘The valley gossips without a cold
offender.’
‘The valley gossips without a cold
offender.’
That was only half true, as it turned out.
In fact, it was a beautiful summer’s day;
the first true one of the year & I was out for a constitutional & to
let Fido get some exercise. He’d been a bit off his food lately & I hoped
fresh air would do him good. He started out a bit withdrawn but the sunshine &
the warmth & all the butterflies & lower-than-usual levels of road
traffic, &c, seemed to perk him up a bit & soon he was positively skittish:
tugging at the leash & dragging me to who knows where & towards who
knows what deviltry further along the canal’s towpath, the scamp. One has to be
firm: he’s a loyal friend & excellent company but one has to let him know
who’s boss, so I applied a little pressure to the lead & scolded him
gently. Soon he was bobbing alongside me again: trotting at my heels. Then I
received an message which I stopped to read - much to Fido’s annoyance.
“The
dog’s totally comatose & the bitch just sits there whining & leaving
her pups unfed & unattended. Can U help?!”
That was from Miss Springer; a new neighbour
of mine whose acquaintance I was eager to make. Alas, caring for a broody &
moody Fido had not left me much time for romance in the past week or so & I’d
missed no few meals of my own as a result. I messaged back, hoping she’d pick
it up soon.
“Have
U thought of exercise? Works for mine; often as not. Try waving an old shoe under
his nose & see what he does. Rgrds, GR.”
Fido whined & pulled & I relented
& let him bumble on, though I noticed with alarm that he appeared to be
limping a little. I’d have to take a look at that if I could catch him unawares
or in a mellow mood…but he hadn’t been in one of those for ages. We ambled on along the
valley, smelling the last of the May blossom & listening to the distant
drone of trucks & the occasional car & also quite a lot of sirens,
which I dislike intensely. Oh, another message; this time from Scottie.
“Bloody
Afghans at it again. Dirty bstrds don’t know how 2 behave. Shd i go round &
complain about noise?”
I hoped he wouldn’t do anything of the sort
because the last time he tried to sort them out he got into no end of trouble
with the Authorities. The politically correct idiots won’t let a chap protect
own home against riff-raff such as the Afghans anymore as we would have in the
good old days, & let’s face it; anyone daft enough to walk around in England ’s short
but intense summer heat in those stupid long coats has got it coming to him.
Fido stopped for a nap on one of the
benches the Council provides along the canals for the winos to pass out on,
& I took the opportunity to check FaecBook. The only recent status update
from any friend of mine had been removed. This always annoys me. Why do they do
that? If you go to the trouble to get a load off your mind & tell the world
your woes, why delete the damn thing?
“Stay away! Stay away!” That was no
message. In fact it was an actual voice from behind a garden hedge across the
canal. “I’m not kidding, GR!” came the voice again. “They’ve gone batshit
crazy.”
I recognised him; an old hunting pal of mine
back in the day. “What’s the matter, Bernard?” I called across the water.
“My animals have gone insane. First, Missy
passed out a day ago & then this morning she gets up & she throws him
on the sofa in an attack that was downright pornographic & then bites poor
Sam’s throat. I haven’t got a clue what to do about it, either, as no-one seems
to be about & you can call & call & call & no-one answers. It’s
not as if there aren’t any of police around these days; town was swarming with
them the day we got back from the coast.”
“Hang in there, Bernard,” I called back.
“I’m sure there’ll be a simple explanation for all this & it’ll be back to
normal soon.”
But it didn’t get better. Just then a man
came staggering along the path; all weaving & unsteady on his feet like a
drunk, & kind of moaning to himself. Then a couple of soldiers in biohazard
suits & combat gear popped up from behind a garden wall & popped him a
couple of rounds in the head, & off they went. I don’t mind gunshots: it’s
the training, of course, that I received back in the day when on tour in Helmand Province , but for me running towards
gunfire is in the blood.
I checked Fido & he was out cold. In
fact, he was a little too cold even by his standards to be healthy. Try as I
might, I couldn’t wake him for a very long time & I had a Dickens of a job
dragging him back home & even then as soon as we staggered together in
through the open door he just slumped & flaked out again.
That was three days ago, & I’ve learned
to adjust to the new conditions. Fido’s still very cold, though not offensively
so, & some of the other pets are still ambulatory - after a fashion - as
valley gossip tells me, but we manage. He’s lost it completely on the can
opener front & he can’t throw a Frisbee worth a damn but I have lots of fun
burying him & digging him up again, & he is, after all, made of bones.
2 comments:
I like this! Reminded me a bit of Ursula le Guin's "The Wife's Story." A fun read.
Hi Kathy, thank you and welcome. I have never read that one, but looking at the collection it looks like a read I could do worse than to eBay. I'm glad and flattered you had fun, and it's beginning to dawn that brevity can indeed be the soul of wit.
Post a Comment